Wise observations for a Monday

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level
   and beat you with experience
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list 
3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak 
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.   
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.   
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.  
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.   
8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.   
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.   
10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station
11. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'   
12. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you. 
13. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory. 
14. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness..   
15. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.   
16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
17. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.  
18. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.  
19. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.  
20. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.

 

Courtesy of Peter Thomson

Putting your foot in it alone

Once upon a time there was a chap, who after a bitter divorce, became very lonely and so he went to the pet store and told the owner he wanted an unusual pet to keep him company.
After much discussion, he decided on a centipede, which he immediately named Carl. It came with a little white box which could be used as its house.
He took the box home and found a good location for it, and decided that he would start off by taking his new friend to the pub to have a drink. So he peeked into the opening on the box and said "Hey Carl, would you like to nip down to the pub for a beer?"
There was, however, no reply, and that bothered the chap a bit. A few minutes later he asked again and said "Hey, how about going down to the pub with me for a beer?" But again there was no answer from his new friend. So he waited ten more minutes thinking about the situation and then decided to ask one more time.
He put his mouth up to the opening in the white box and shouted "Hey, you in there, would you like to go to the pub place and have a drink with `
At this, a little voice came out of the box and said "No need to shout, hang on a minute, I heard you the first time. I'm putting on my shoes!"

Late for Work

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it.

So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!"

"That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"

Thanks to jokeswarehouse.com

Things to Ponder on

There are some extremely valid and searching questions in life and here are but a few and I suspect the most important!

AhaJokes.com Ponderings collection 01

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplough get to work in the mornings?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

 

Thanks to ahajokes.com

*** Adult Truths ***

A friend recently emailed this to me. Apologies if it is your intellectual property or copyright!

Number 10 is so true! I fully subscribe to numbers 11 and 18 – get me a coffee while I think about that!

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die! 2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realise you're wrong. 3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger. 4. There is great need for a sarcasm font. 5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? 6. Was learning cursive really necessary? 7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighbourhood. 8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.. 9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired. 10. Bad decisions make good stories.. 11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day. 12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again. 13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.. 14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call. 15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well. 16. I disagree with Kay Jewellers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay. 17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option. 18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger. 19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said? 20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters! 21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever…. Men only of course ladies! 22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is. 23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time. 24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important. Ladies.....Quit Laughing.

Heal the past, live the present, dream the future. Enjoy life!!!

Legal Research

At a weekend convention of biological scientists, Hannah, a researcher remarks to Pam,
'Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?'

'Really?' Pam replies, 'Why did you switch?'

'Well, for two reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, and second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them,' chortled Hannah.

Source Various

Seeing eye to eye

From Will and Guy's Funny Clean Jokes at www.guy-sports.com

Roger left for work on Friday morning.  Friday was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay packet.

Finally, Roger appeared at home on Sunday night, and obviously he was confronted by his angry wife, Martha who castigated Roger for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.  Finally, Martha stopped the nagging and said to Roger, 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?”

Roger replied grimly, 'That would be fine with me”

Monday went by and he didn't see his Martha. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

By the Thursday, the swelling had gone down just enough so that Roger he could see Martha a little out of the corner of his left eye

 

Will Baker

I was born in Southsea, Portsmouth after the 2nd World War had ended and I lived for most of my childhood in Portchester; Trincomalee, Ceylon [Sri Lanka]; and attended the Royal Hospital School, Holbrook, Suffolk. Sport was one of the few things that genuinely excited and interested me and I played and watched avidly.

I trained to be a teacher at Bulmershe College of Education, Reading and later at Sussex University and have taught in Paulsgrove; Leigh Park; Mérida, Yucatán, Mexico; North East Surrey and Gosport. Humour has always been an essential aspect of my teaching and attitude to life in general.

I am extremely happily married to Steve and have been since 1970 and we have two grown up children of whom we are very proud.  Will's favourite holiday destination is Les Costes, a Holiday Cottage in Pardaillan, Dordogne, France.

I am now retired and am enjoying working with my good friend and ex-teaching colleague, Guy, on our humour website.

Guy Thomas

I was born in Cowbridge, which is in the Vale of Glamorgan in Wales.  My formative years were spent at the local grammar school followed by Cardiff University.

For 4 years I flirted with research into growing better plants.  What I like most about that job was part time teaching of undergraduates so I moved into mainstream education and to the teaching front line.  It was at my first school at Wakeford, in Hampshire that I met Will.

Easter is Happening

An amusing tweet I received from my tweet pal ‘KP’

@AyPee Easter is happening. Hope my family will behave. Last year was a riot. Police came around 3 times, 3rd time they brought their wives.

— KP (@jadarc) April 1, 2012

 

Have a great Easter!

All at See

A Pirate walks into his favourite Inn.
He hadn’t been there in a while but the Innkeeper notices him and says:
"Haven't seen ya in a while, where ya been? You look terrible!"

"Aye?" said the pirate, "What do you mean?"

"You've got a wooden leg! What happened?" said the bartender.

"Well," said the pirate, "Our ship was in a fierce sea battle, and me leg got hit by a cannon ball, but I'm fine now"

"And what about that hook? Where’s your hand gone?" asked the bartender.

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. Me hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook... but I'm fine, really"

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "A flock of birds flew over. I looked up to see what they were and got hit by their droppings. Hit me right in the eye!"

"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from that"

"It was me first day with the hook"

 

Source joke various

Imploration

A husband is driving his car;  his wife sitting next to him, when suddenly, he hears a police siren.

A police car pulls in front of his car and he instructed to stop.The Policeman exits his car, comes up to the husband’s window and asks him to get out of his car.

"Sir, do you know that you have been speeding for the last 5 minutes?"
The husband replies, imploringly: "Oh no, I really didn't notice, officer. I am so sorry, I promise not to do that again ….".

His wife interrupts: "That's not true, he knew he was speeding and had no intention of slowing down!"

The police man continues: "Also, may I ask why you don't have your seat belt on, sir?"
The man replies nervously: "Oh, I released it when I heard your siren so that I would be ready to get out of the car to …..”

Again his wife interrupts: "That's rubbish! He hasn’t been wearing his seat belt since we left home!"

The husband becomes very angry and yells at his wife: "would you shut up, you stupid #%$!" The police man is shocked and asks the wife: "Mam, are you going to let him speak to you like that?"

The wife replies:
"Oh, don't worry officer. He is always like that when he's drunk!"

source and image various

Beauty is only skin deep

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.  The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.  So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honour their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty.  She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.   There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling”, he replied, "think nothing of it.  I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

source various

Investment in the Future?

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

"I have good news and bad news" the owner replied.
"The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings"

"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"The guy was your doctor"

source joke and image various

Pub life

A man walks into a bar and asks the bar man for a pint.

Whilst the bar man is pours the pint, he sees a dish full of peanuts sitting on the counter. As he looks, the peanuts say to him “you’re nice”. The man, surprised by what he just heard, sinks down into a seat next to the cigarette machine. As he does so , the cigarette machine says to him “you’re horrible”

Astonished by what he just heard, he tells the bar man,  who explains:

“That’s ok sir, the peanuts are always complementary and the cigarette machine is out of order”

source various

A Snail’s Pace

There was once a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference. After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datsun 240-Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted "240-S".

The dealer asks, "Why 'S'?"

The snail replies, "'S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving."

Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee.

The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they'd say "Wow! Look at that S-car go!"

Source Jokes and image various

Friendship

 

A good friend will bail you out of jail.
A great friend will be in the cell next to you saying,"Wow, that was fun!"

 

 

 

Source various

Beneviolent Law

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $700,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

source various

Lost Senior Citizen

I noticed an old man sitting on a park bench sobbing his eyes out.  I stopped and asked him what was wrong.

   He told me, “I have a 22 year old wife at home.  She rubs my back every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee”

I continued, “Well, then why are you crying?”

   He added, “She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favourite biscuits, cleans the house and hen watches sports TV with me for the rest of the afternoon”

I said, “Well, why are you crying?”

   He said, “For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favourite dessert and then we cuddle until the small hours”

I inquired, “Well then, why in the world would you be crying?”

He replied, “I can't remember where I live”

 

source various

Jigsaw from Hell?

A woman calls her boyfriend for help with a killer jigsaw puzzle. She just can't figure out how to get it started.

Her boyfriend asks: "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The woman says: "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."She shows him the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, looks at the box, then turns to her and says: "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says: "Second, I want you to relax.... let's have a nice cup of tea, and then.... he sighed, "...let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box."

source various
Microsoft Clipart

The Boss

from jokesgallery.com amongst others

A manager was complaining in a staff meeting that he wasn't getting any respect.

Later that morning he went out and got a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss".
He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said.
"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

Credit: Free images from acobox.com

Oh well, I asked

Facebook 25th September

Arthur Partridge
I am overdue to post a joke to my blog. Would anybody like to guest blog one?
CLEAN PC please!

Matt Partridge Two cannibals eating a clown, one turns to other and says 'does this taste funny to you?' Boom boom tsch!!